My Higher Power is John Stamos
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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