I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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