We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We left an ass print on the piano.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
