Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
