the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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