I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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