Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
