She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
