GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
