True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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