...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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