Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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