we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
