shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
