yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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