So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
