Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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