this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
