I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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