i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
