Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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