Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
