so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Everything about him screamed your future.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
