Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
