someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
