she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
