I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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