I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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