As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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