im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
