CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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