you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize