yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
