I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
