Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My vagina is officially offended.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
