this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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