Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
