I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
