I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
