I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
