the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
