have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
