Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
