What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
