we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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