one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
