All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
