You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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