my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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