I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
