Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
