Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
