4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
