There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
