All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
