Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize