I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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