My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I think my moral compass just broke
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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