How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
