Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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